i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
