please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
