Jerry, you need to find god
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
