Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize