Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
