a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
