I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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