My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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