Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
