I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
