True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everclear isn't food dammit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
