you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize