You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
