Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
