You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
