if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
