If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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