I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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