non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
