dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
is that a dick in a sweater?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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