i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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