why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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