i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
