so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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