My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
