Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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