You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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