i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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