If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize