I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You were trust falling into bushes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
