Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
