he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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