Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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