Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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