so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize