Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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