wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And then my night got REAL pukey
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
