My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
