It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
