yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
