Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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