I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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