Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
