i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
