i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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