I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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