I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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