I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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