at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
