Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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