well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
