toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
