toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
