Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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